I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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