repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
