it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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