I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
