i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
