i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
only you would photoshop your dick
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
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