my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
