just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
