Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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