New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
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