The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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