I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
