I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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