I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
