Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
