JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
