whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
