ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
