Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
