her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
