I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
