She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
