Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
