Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
