I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
