Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I am available for nakedness
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
