Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
