Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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