i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
