I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize