Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
