i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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