Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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