she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Randomize
