This is not my ceiling
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
stop calling my apartment porn island.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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