mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize