Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
