I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
