im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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