Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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