How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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