You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize