I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Alive.
So much puke
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
