I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
