If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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