tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
