You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
These tits shall not be calmed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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