dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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