it's too hot outside to masturbate.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
