I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
