the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
