my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
