if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Alive.
So much puke
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Randomize
