woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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