Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
not ubering you a puppy
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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