just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Sober January is a disaster.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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