I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
