i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
