I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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