I feel great
I just peed on a car
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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