T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
