The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
