My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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