shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
